Updated Tips for Victims of Workplace Assholes

I’ve talked a lot here about methods for enduring abusive bosses and co-workers.  Some of these tips come from your comments and e-mails, some from the No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I thought it would be useful to list some of the most effective methods in one place. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!   

Before I get to the rest of the tips, one is in a class by itself:

THE BIGGEST AND BEST LESSON: ESCAPE IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious disease. But escape isn’t always possible; as one woman wrote me, “I have to feed my family and pay my mortgage, and there aren’t a lot of jobs that pay well enough to do that around here.”

So here are my top tips for coping with workplace assholes that you can’t escape (at least for now):

 1. Start with polite confrontation. Some people really don’t mean to be assholes. They might be surprised if you gently let them know that they are leaving you feeling belittled and demeaned.  Other assholes are demeaning on purpose, but may stop if you stand-up to them in a civil, but, firm manner. An office worker wrote me that her boss was “a major asshole” (he was a former army major, who was infamous for his nastiness). She found that “the major” left her alone after she gave him “a hard stare” and told him his behavior was “absolutely unacceptable and I simply won’t tolerate it.” This is also pretty much what Ron Reagan (the late president’s son) told me on his radio show about how he dealt with assholes, as did a fashion model who described a constructive way to confront an asshole

2. If a bully keeps spewing venom at you, limit your contact with the creep as much as possible.  Try to avoid any meetings you can with the jerk.  Do telephone meetings if possible. Keep conversations as short as possible. Be polite but don’t provide a lot of personal information during meetings of any kind, including email exchanges.  If the creep says or writes something nasty, try to avoid snapping back; it can fuel a vicious circle of asshole poisoning. Don’t sit down during meetings if you can avoid it. Recent research suggests that stand-up meetings are just as effective sit-down meetings, but are shorter; so try to meet places without chairs and avoid sitting down during meetings with assholes whenever possible – it limits your exposure to their abuse.

3. Find ways to enjoy “small wins” over assholes.  If you can’t reform or expel the bully, find small ways to gain control and to fight back -– it will make you feel powerful and just might convince the bully to leave you and others alone. Exhibit one here is the radio producer who told me that she felt oppressed because her boss was constantly stealing her food –- right off her desk. So she made some candy out of EX-Lax, the chocolate flavored laxative, and left it on her desk. As usual, he ate them without permission. When she told this thief what was in the candy, “he was not happy.” 

4. Practice indifference and emotional detachment– learn how not to let an asshole touch your soul.  Management gurus and executives are constantly ranting about the importance of commitment, passion, and giving all you have to a job. That is good advice when your bosses and peers treat you with dignity. But if you work with people who treat you like dirt, they have not earned your passion and commitment. Practice going through the motions without really caring. Don’t let their vicious words and deeds touch your soul: Learn to be comfortably numb until the day comes when you find a workplace that deserves your passion and full commitment.

5. Keep an asshole diary -- carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. Carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. A government employee wrote me a detailed email about how she used a diary to get rid of a nasty, racist co-worker ‘I documented the many harmful things she did with dates and times.....basically I kept an "Asshole Journal."  I encouraged her other victims to do so too and these written and signed statements were presented to our supervisor. Our supervisors knew this worker was an asshole but didn't really seem to be doing anything to stop her harmful behaviors until they received these statements. The asshole went on a mysterious leave that no supervisor was permitted to discuss and she never returned.’  Similarly, a salesman wrote me that he has been the top performer in his group until he got leukemia, but his performance slowed during chemotherapy. His supervisor called him every day to yell at him about how incompetent he was, and then doubled the sick salesperson’s quota. The salesman eventually quit and found a better workplace, but apparently because he documented the abuse, his boss was demoted.  Note that, as the government employee shows us, an especially effective tactic is to recruit other colleagues to keep “asshole diaries” too about an abusive boss or workplace. It is far more difficult for management – or a judge – to dismiss a complaint from a group of victims than a single victim.

6. Take legal action if you must, but do so as a last resort. There is a growing legal movement against bullying in the workplace, and employment lawyers keep telling me that it will get easier to collect damages against “equal opportunity assholes,” not just against racist and sexist jerks. Documentation is essential if you are considering making a legal claim. And certainly there are plenty of asshole bosses and employers that deserve to be slapped with massive fines.  BUT if you are suffering workplace abuse, the best thing for YOU might be to get out before you suffer much, if any, damage. I had a long conversation with two smart lawyers about this recently, and they pointed out an unfortunate fact of life that every person with an asshole boss needs to understand: The more you lose – - the deeper your depression, your anxiety, and your financial losses, and the more physical ailments you suffer –- the better your legal case against the asshole boss or company.  So the more you suffer, the more money you can get. The implication for me is, if you possibly can, why not get out before you suffer horrible damages in the first place? 

There are no instant cures and easy answers for people who are trapped in nasty workplaces. But I hope my little list of tips can help those of who are struggling to fight back against an asshole boss. And please write me at robert.sutton@stanford.edu to let me know what you think of these tips, and especially, if you have more tips for battling back – and winning -- against workplace assholes.

Comments

[Helped]

Thankyou for this blog and also to the people who replied with tips on how to deal with asshole bosses. My situation with the asshole I work for is slightly different in that I work for a contracted company and the manager that oversees the area where this company is contracted to is the asshole- not any of my bosses. Unfortunately, the asshole is our customer... this makes things difficult to deal with because he is the customer. I am a first shift supervisor and I have to go see him every morning and give him a briefing- sometimes there is little communication between other shift supervisors and myself or people above me. The asshole blames me for it (or at least he seems to by the way he treats me), although I do my best to find out what happened on other shifts and communicate with other people, but this is also the responsibility of the people above me to make sure that information is being passed on.
Even though he wants me to give him briefings in the morning he walks away from me while I'm talking to him or he won't make eye contact with me while I'm talking to him if he's sitting down. He wants me to brief him before 8:30am every morning, which I attempt to do, except that he leaves his office before that time and I can't find him, or comes in after 8:30, then he acts like he doesn't have time for me.
He's rude and never says anything nice to me, although I try to greet him with a smile everyday and I always wish him a good morning and tell him that I hope he has a good day as I'm leaving. He never replies anything so kind back to me. He just grunts and goes back to whatever he's doing.
It's to the point where one of my co-workers thinks that his behavior may be a form of harassment (although I don't know if I consider it to be), and one of my bosses for the contracted company is speaking up the chain of command about his behavior toward me on my behalf.
I've considered confronting him myself and asking him what it is that I've done to deserve such rude behavior, but I'm afraid that it will only make things more tense between us. I've started looking for another job, but I really like my job and the people I work with, and I don't know if I can find another job that pays as well as this one. I only dread the mornings when I have to go see him and I am definately going to start keeping a journal like you suggest so that I can point out specific dates and incidents if the need arises to do so.

Thankyou!!

[discouraged]

Hi Bob,
An enlightened friend spoke to me recently about your book and how to survive 'assholes'. She knew I was in real need of some strategies to cope with them after being a Police Officer for 22 years. In this profession you would expect to meet a few assholes as clients, but I am telling you that the 'clients' don't come close to the one's you work with!! I have boss who is a 'certifiable asshole', judging by your quick test. Thinking about him and the behaviour of others in positions of authority in this organisation makes me ill and has led me into a depressed state. I am so uplifted to have read your blogs and articles and chapter one of your book "The No Assholes Rule". I listened to the 50 Lessons interview and I will somehow learn to be 'indifferent'. New South Wales Police Force is jam-packed with assholes. You should take some time to study them.

[Jasmine]

Hey Bob,

I want to applaud you with this post. You have a great discussion on how to get rid of the abusive bosses and co-workers.

I like to quote this one "THE BIGGEST AND BEST LESSON: ESCAPE IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can". But according to a woman who wrote you that escape isn’t always possible, "I have to feed my family and pay my mortgage, and there aren’t a lot of jobs that pay well enough to do that around here."

In addition to this I would like to share also a very good insight from Tim Ferriss: http://davidseah.com/archives/2007/04/18/a-review-of-tim-ferriss-the-4-hour-work-week/
It's about - Escape 9-5, live anywhere and join with the rich-.

Thanks and more power!

[Tim Ferriss]

I know a guy whose trials I witnessed. He had a boss that would go from tirade to another. That boss would say what's supposed to be done according to his way of doing things, even if everyone around him told him he was doing wrong. But since it was his company and his faithful wife's money, he didn't listen.

He even told my friend "You are at my mercy because I'm your boss!". That broke the camel's back. My friend just stopped going to the office and looked for another job. It's been a year since then but he prefers not to talk about it. He says that if he doesn't have anything nice to say about anyone, he won't say anything at all.

In hindsight, that boss also tended to be nice to those above him and his equals but he was an absolute asshole to those below him. Personally I think that boss was mentally unstable. He had an abnormally huge ego.

[PRJ]

Bob, I saw your excellent manifesto on Changethis. I wonder if you've read an earlier manifesto, 'Why your boss is programmed to be a dictator' http://www.changethis.com/19.BossDictator Though it only talks of abusive bosses and not assholes in general, I think it's a very interesting, though radical, manifesto.

I currently have a boss who is not directly abusive, but causes hell for all of us. He doesn't have a personal life so expects us to be at the office till late in the evening. For example, he will wait until 6pm and then say, "can you please draft me a 30 slide presentation before you go. It's urgent." And he knows that we know that the work isn't urgent. He just does it to show off his power. I think of this as abusive behavior even though he is superficially very polite. If we disagree to do what he says, he hints to us that he will mark us down in our appraisal for not working hard enough. How do you deal with someone who is not overtly abusive, and someone the higher bosses think is an extremely sweet boss?

[S.J. Hamik]

I have been with my employer for 11 years. Approximately 5 years, 7 months and 8 days ago I transferred to a different division within the company and what a mistake I made. I work in a Financial setting and am responsible for the department that monitors losses. The President of my Division rules by intimidation to cover his poor management skills, performance and theft of company funds. He encourages poor performance from my staff in the form of "don't ask too many questions" for fear of what they may find. He has directed the firing of competent employees based on a popularity contest as opposed to skill levels. Heaven forbid you question or piss-off one of his co-conspirators, that my friend is a one way ticket out the door. His behavior is unethical and I believe illegal but continues unchecked by Corporate HQ. How could a so called manager conceivably justify firing someone over their weight ("fat and lazy"), ethnic background ("know it all Jew") or age ("he's an old slacker")?? I have lost all faith in Corporate America!!

S.J.

[DotMySpot]

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[Peggy Andrews]

Way to call it like it is! I have worked in HR for 15 years and it can get tiring trying to "coach" the uncoachable! I am committed to being as encouraging and positive as I can and seeing the best in everyone - but I am also going to buy your book as a gift for a few co-workers who are dealing with a real doozy of a boss! Two more horrendous (and 100% true) boss stories can be found here:

http://careerencouragement.typepad.com/the_career_encouragement_/2007/01/take_my_phone_n.html

http://careerencouragement.typepad.com/the_career_encouragement_/2006/10/take_a_half_day.html

[Bob Sutton]

Steve, Here's some good advice from a manager I know who read about your challenge and offered some advice to me via email: 1) have a direct conversation with the manager about the concerns that have arisen and determine her willingness to change her management style in ways that will help her be "understood;" 2) if she's not willing to listen, then it is probably best to part ways; 3) if she is willing to listen, if you can afford it and think the investment in this manager is worth it, hire a "coach" to conduct at 360 assessment and work with her to improve her management style. This intervention had the highest success rate in this manager’s experience -- the good thing is that it shouldn't become a sign of failure. Instead, it should be an indication that you think this manager holds a lot of promise and will improve with executive coaching. In this manager’s experience, these coaching programs have not worked nearly has well when they have been a "punitive consequence" for asshole behavior and, indeed few of those employees truly reformed. However, employees who genuinely cared about being better managers actually did improve with one on one coaching -- and a number actually learned to give their direct reports "permission" to tell them when they were stepping over the line.

[Steve]

After reading the reviews of "The No Asshole Rule" on Amazon.com, I went to my local Barnes & Noble at lunch and picked up a copy.

I'd still appreciate any additional suggestions you might have!

[Steve]

A link to your article came to me this morning via e-mail and I found it quite enlightening. I have a little different situation and would like to ask your suggestions for how to best manage the "jerk" manager.

I have a manager under my direction that wouldn't score a perfect 24 on the ARSE, but would be at least half way there, based on complaints I have received from her subordinates. Unfortunately, she thinks she's a good manager and is simply misunderstood by her employees because she's from Australia (my company is located in Virginia).

She is a very bright, talented person in many ways and has made many contributions to my department and the entire company in the short time she has been with us. However, this type behavior may wind up being a deal breaker if she doesn't come around. I truly want to salvage her.

Any suggestions?

[Alexander Kjerulf]

I agree 100% with the tips here - except for #3.

While annoying a jerk in those little ways can feel good in the moment, all it really does long term, is bring you down to the jerk's level.

Spending any kind of time plotting petty revenge does us no good, I'm afraid, and you should not fight jerks by becoming a jerk yourself.

Though I'm willing to make an exception for the ex-lax-laced candy. That was creative :o)

[Jo Pro]

My husband and I recently left the clutches of a terrible boss. I'm so glad that I - by accident - found your web site. I finally feel a wee bit of joy after leaving my previous place of employment.

However, she really flamed him and he will most likely not get promoted again - my husband is active duty and dealt with a senior officer who kissed up and blasted down to her staff. Some examples of her erratic behavior:

1) Told me she hated children - while I was holding my child at a work function.
2) Went on and on about how "big" I had gotten whilst pregnant with my second child in front of foreign dignitaries.
3) Informed a fellow civil servant, "I think you're getting too fat.
4) Forced the long-time office secretary to remove all of her art work outside of her front office.
5) Racked-and-stacked military men and women based on her personal opinions and not on job performance.
6) Although she was our commander - she informed her staff and worker bees of this fact every chance she could get - she never once called to ask how we were doing after our second child arrived pre-term. She only gave us a second thought after she discovered my husband was going to work - on a by-name-request - for a more senior officer in the same career field.

I could go on and on but you get the picture. What kind of post-traumatic stress treatment can you recommend for us? Writing to your and reading your blog has been cathartic! Thanks!

[Bob Sutton]

Wally,

I love this example, it shifts focus to a better future, gives people a feeling of control, and creates social bonds. Fantastic stuff.

Thanks,

Bob

[Wally Bock]

Sometimes you need to hang in there. There are organizations where the assholes come, dump on folks for a while, and then move on to other assignments. In some of those organizations, getting out right away means serious harm to you or the family. For those situations I share a response from a police department I worked with. The new chief, brought from outside, was an asshole, building reputation so he could go on to better things. Soon the officers started wearing t-shirts under their uniforms with the legend: "Outlast the bastard."

[s]

I think you are doing a commendable service to mankind, really I mean it, in constantly reminding us how best not to let our short life go waste.

I was working with a bunch of real asshole bosses many years ago in a company which otherwise is known to be very respectful - Tata Engineering, now Tata Motors, in India. Thinking back of those time you know what you should have done.

I will suggest better to have a good deal of thinking before going into any confrontation, as we care about our pay.

- Think. Take a paper and do a SWOT analysis of your life in present. What alternatives you have. This all points to "escape if you can" dictum.
- If you are close with any of other colleagues, talk with them and know their opinion. Will the asshole harm you if confronted or leave you alone. You too must be knowing him or her to certain extent and will let you know it.
- Bid time. Meanwhile work hard in learning or training in things which can help you esape.
- Try to know what kind of replies or reactions will stop him/her from being an asshole, and remember to keep your self-respect. Sometimes it can be just a "yes sir". Sometimes it's a report with his name in bold.
- Try to know what he or she fears. Try to use it subtly to your advantage.
- sometimes laugh it off, preferably with a colleague who feel the same and on your side. This will help in the emotional detachment dictum.
- Always try to show off subtly that you are a dignified human with self-respect. Use body language - stand tall, use firm voice. Learn facets of your current work as deep knowledge. Use knowledge as power.

[Bob Sutton]

Marty,

No doubt that everything can be taken too far -- but having documentation is a lot better than pointing at someone and saying "you are asshole," but not having any facts -- especially if lawyers and/or HR get in the picture. Yes, taken to it's logical extreme, such behavior is really paranoid and I have seen and heard about some pretty crazy people -- including an unnamed professor years ago that tape recorded every conversation she had with getting permission from others -- which is against the law in many states.

Thanks for the comment, it is always important to have someone who is sane remind us when these things go too far.

[Marty Andrews]

Hi Bob,

I've seen you mention keeping an asshole diary before, but for some reason this time I was reminded of the scene in "Rain Man" where Raymond documents that "Charlie Babbitt squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck in 1988".

Cheers,

Marty Andrews