The Marine and the Bully from the Private Sector

I just received this email this morning, a note from a U.S. Marine officer who said some nice things about The No Asshole Rule.  I am opposed to violence or threats of violence.  At the same time, I confess that couldn't help sympathizing with the Marine who sent me this story.  The No Asshole Rule talks about how, when you face an overbearing asshole, there are times when intimidation and power games are the only way to protect yourself and your organization.  Pulling out a gun and threatening to hurt someone are desperate actions, and this Marine is not proud of what he did, but at the same time, he was in desperate straights and was committed to doing what was best for his fellow Marines. Read the story and let me know what you think.

Here is his story, unedited (except for a couple typos):

I'm reminded of a story of my own which I'd like to share with you. I was part of a special project for the Marine Corps. I was in a leadership role actively playing a part in the physical military operations and the academic/management part ruled by civilian contractors. Because of my education, I was tasked to play a liaison role which often meant bearing ill will from both parties as I tried to explain their intentions to the others. Right off the bat, a member of the civilian management team rubbed me the wrong way. I wasn't sure what it was until he severely berated one of my senior Marines, telling him at one point that "we had all taken a oath to defend this Nation." I was offended by that. I knew for a fact he took no such oath. But more importantly, I believed that he was acting in a manner in which he thought was consistent with military leadership-- an assumption he developed from watching too many movies.

I held my tongue at the moment but that evening during our After Action Review, I brought the issue up. We were seated across from each other at a conference table. As soon as I aired my complaints, he puffed up in his chair, put both hands on the table and started looking at me menacingly. He was a large man-- about six and a half feet and easily 250 pounds. At that moment, I realized that he was trying to physically intimidate me. I'm much smaller-- about 5'10" and 190 pounds. I could tell that this was a natural reaction to him and he did this often. For a moment I was amused. When he continued to glare at me, I finally drew my sidearm, placed it on the table and said to him, "Calm down. I deal in real violence." He settled down and walked out of the office a couple of minutes later. I hoped that this encounter would shift his behavior but it didn't. He was a senior member of the team and he started treating everybody else worse. Me-- he mostly left alone. I think I made my life better but I sure didn't do anything to make my teammates lives easier.  Eventually, the most senior member of the civilian team removed him but not before I threatened to "accidentally" hurt him in training. I'm not proud I had to resort to that.

This was my first contact with the civilian management world and I was not impressed. Unfortunately, my experiences after haven't been much better. We certainly have our share of lousy leaders in the military world but I was surprised to see how much backstabbing and political in-fighting existed in civilian leadership circle.

Like other aspects of organization life, dealing with assholes is a tough thing to do, and morality and ethics aren't always defined by a clean and beautiful line that separates right from wrong.  I have mixed and complex reactions to this story. Part of me wants to say "this is wrong, guns and physical threats are always wrong."  But the other part says "This Marine was in a bad spot, and took the only effective course of action available to him."  I would appreciate other opinions, as this one has me troubled.

Comments

[juanita]

This happened to me except I am a female civilian and he is a retired marine.He said he had everyone-EEO,legal,his management,etc. on his side. He gritted his teeth ,got closer and put his finger in my face because "I didn't talk to the new guy enough".That was an excuse to violate an agreement that was made and I said I would have to
file a complaint. Yes,he intimidated me and I told him I had to go. He is still trying to cause me problems w/ work.I try to avoid him but he is over the whole civilian staff so I have to deal w/ it.He smells of alcohol all day and since I haven't seen the bottle I can't say anything although everyone knows what he is doing. He is in charge so no one will tell the truth about this.

[Jason Yip]

I think it's important to point out that even if we say that there may be a better way to deal with this type of situation and the next time we can do better, it doesn't mean that we are looking down on the Marine for doing the best he could given the situation.

So take the best course of action that is available to you but always be looking to improve the courses of action that are available to you.

[Matt Moore]

So the marine cleared some space between himself & the asshole. I don't blame him for that.

What is worth noting is that the asshole then turned his attention to everyone else - people who presumably weren't willing to pull out their sidearms in a meeting.

[Laureen]

I understand being troubled by this, but I also think the Marine did just fine.

When you are a little/smaller person, and someone attempts to physically intimidate you, they're already implying physical violence. Escallating may not be the best option, in an ideal world, but it's my understanding that most of the nonviolent options available to the rest of us, such as leaving, refusing to participate, etc, are not available to those in a military setting.

In my opinion, anyone trying to physically intimidate a trained killer who is carrying a sidearm is some kind of unbalanced. As Gavin de Becker (author of The Gift of Fear) talks about, when you're in a confrontational environment with someone who is fundamentally unbalanced, the same set of social rules doesn't apply.

[David]

I agree with your opening comments on violence and threats. I haven't gotten to read your book yet. However, I think overall the Marine did well. It appears he's not on the offense but rather defending his team (i.e. he wasn't an asshole, but was resisting the asshole). Given his position he may have had little political leverage with the asshole's superiors.
Pulling the gun out and suggesting harm was over the top, but it was effective with the poser. The potential (severe) downside would have been if the asshole escalated instead of backing off. But it sounds like the Marine sized the guy up as being a poser.