Silencing Clueless Assholes: A Lesson from the Movie Theatre

I just got a most interesting email about how one guy stopped some rude and loud people at a movie theatre. Here it is (with his name removed):

‘Last night I went to see "Live Free or Die Hard" (which, by the way, is probably the shortest path to post-traumatic stress disorder). There were a bunch of people behind me, talking through the movie, making fun of things, generally being distracting. I did the usual thing where I turn around and look at them to let them know that I'm right in front of them and that I can hear them really well, but that didn't work. I was starting to get pretty frustrated.

During one longer, quiet stretch, I turned to my friend next to me and said, pretty loudly, "So, what do you want to talk about?" and he said, also loudly, "I don't know, why don't we wait until later?"

It worked, the people behind us remained silent through the rest of the picture. The best part was that it wasn't blatantly confrontational, was kind of funny, and didn't lead to any escalation or anything.

One of my prouder moments as a reformed asshole.’

I find this story to be most enlightening because it suggests three more general lessons about “asshole management.”

1. The distinction between “intentional” and “clueless” asshole is important. This little story implies that these rude people were sufficiently self-focused that they weren’t aware how much they were upsetting other people in the theater.

2. The trick with “clueless” assholes is to find some way to help them realize the impact that they are having on others, without being an asshole yourself.  The fellow who wrote this email wasn’t having much luck with more subtle tactics; but simply imitating these noisy people proved to be enough to help them realize that they were blowing it.

I should point out, however, that some people are so deeply clueless that subtle tactics may not work and, of course, there are some people who are perfectly aware of what they are doing, but really don’t care.  (For example, I went to a nice restaurant in Berkeley last week with my daughter, and there was a woman sitting a few tables away who spent the entire meal talking into her cell phone at decibel level that was twice as loud as anyone else in the place… we all gave her lots of subtle hints, but it was pretty clear that she realized what she was doing, but just didn’t care.)

3. Finally, I suspect that the above tactic worked for two reasons. The first, as implied, is that it helped these temporary assholes realize that they were, in fact, ruining the experience for others. The second is that is provoked mild embarrassment among the rude theater-goers. Economists and many psychologists focus heavily on the power of rewards and incentives for motivating human behavior. But this little story suggests that, as any good micro-sociologist can tell you, the desire to avoid embarrassment (and to maintain “face”) is a powerful, and often overlooked, motivator of human behavior.  The classic work here was done by the late sociologist Erving Goffman, notably in his classic book “The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life.”

Thanks to this anonymous e-mailer for sending in this enlightening story. If you have any other ideas about effective – but civilized – ways to stop rude people at the theater (or other public places), please let use know. As this e-mailer implies, finding effective tactics that don’t carry a big risk of making the problem even worse can be difficult.

Comments

[Martha]

Brilliant strategy in the theater.

I did something a couple of days ago, and I can't tell if I stopped an asshole or I WAS an asshole.

While walking through a small park in my town, I spied a kid (eightish, nineish?) firing rock after rock at a pigeon on the ground. One more rock, and that pigeon was toast.

I shouted, "Cut it out, I see you," and drew closer. He quit it, and then high-tailed it to another part of the park to stand by his sister, as I glared at him until I left the park.

Could I have done something differently? Better?

[Bob Sutton]

Maureen,

Great stories and great suggestions. I think with this stuff -- as in many other things -- the most effective ideas are often the most obvious. But as my colleague Jeff Pfeffer always says, commonsense isn't always that common (Indeed, I suffer from a lack of it at times).

Thanks,

Bob

[Maureen Rogers]

Bob - Great story about the theater "silencer."

Maybe it's a namby-pamby solution, but in a restaurant, you can always ask your server or the host to talk to the offending party. You don't have to be directly or indirectly confrontational, and the server can always get themselves off the hook by implying that while they don't personally see any problem, there are other guests who seem to be disturbed...

Noting highly original here, but it was an idea that was born of necessity. I was in a very nice restaurant where the completely clueless, boorish behavior of one party was so dreadful that the man sitting near me was literally pounding his head on the table asking his wife, "Why is your need to avoid confrontation more important than my need to enjoy my dinner in peace and quiet?"

My husband and I quickly realized that this couple could have been us, so we asked the server to see if she could quiet the assholes down. She did. They did. Problem solved.