Asshole Revenge Stories: “Oh, He Is Going To LA But His Luggage Is Going To Nairobi”

One of the things that surprised me when I published my initial Harvard Business Review  essay on The No Asshole Rule in 2004 (it was called “More Trouble Than They Are Worth”) was how many revenge stories it provoked. I read dozens in the emails that started pouring-in and heard many more in the conversations that I had with people about their struggles with bosses, co-workers, and clients that robbed them of their dignity and esteem.

I have already blogged about the radio producer who extracted revenge from her food-stealing boss by making some candies out of Ex-Lax and leaving them on her desk, which he promptly ate, as always, without her permission – and then suffered the consequences. I also heard a great story from Jason Zweig, who writes for Money Magazine.  Jason told me about how, some years back, he was standing behind an irate passenger at the the check-in line in  New York. Jason described how the passenger went on and on insulting the airline employee, and how impressed he was at her ability to remain cool, calm, and professional in the face of such abuse.  Jason told me, and confirmed later over e-mail, that although it was years ago, ‘It is her words that have stuck forever in my memory: "Oh, he's going to [L.A.], but his luggage is going to Nairobi" -- and the faint but unmistakable firmness in her smile that made me realize, half with a chill and half with a thrill, that she wasn't kidding.’ Let that be a lesson to the nasty passengers out there, if the airlines keep losing your luggage it may reflect something about you, not about their system!

I have dozens of other revenge stories. I heard one of my favorites years ago from Susan Schurman, who I wrote a research paper with when we were both Ph.D students at The University of Michigan. Sue is now president of the  National  Labor College in Silver Springs Maryland. Sue worked for several years as a bus driver  in Ann  Arbor, Michigan in the 1970s, where she eventually became a union leader. Even in a relatively small city like Ann Arbor, drivers constantly tangle with aggressive and sometimes hostile drivers. Sue told me that, when she took rookie drivers under her wing, one of the first things she taught them was that a skilled driver “never had an accident that is an accident” and instead accidents should be “punishments” that bus drivers intentionally inflict on “crazy drivers.” She went on to say that city bus drivers were permitted three accidents a year without facing disciplinary action, and that she advised new drivers “save one for Christmas time, because that is when all the jerks out, and you will want to get back at one of them.”  Sue won numerous safety awards and had few accidents during the years she was a bus driver, but as she recently wrote me, “the delicious thought that you could punish the assholes was an important psychological safety valve. The thought alone was sufficient to help you manage your anger.

Revenge is a double-edged sword.  It is dangerous because it can escalate conflict. It is dangerous because it can harm people – a bus accident can kill someone. It can get you fired – I suspect that airline employees who routinely and intentionally send luggage to the wrong country can get in big trouble.  And it is dangerous because it can start a vicious circle of asshole poisoning where the warring parties continue to hurl nasty insults and actions back and forth to “get even.”

But there are two intertwined ways that revenge can help people who are victimized by assholes. First, especially if the tormentor is more powerful than the victim, it is a way to fight back.  That producer had the courage to do it directly, and I suspect that her boss never ate anything off her desk again.  In other cases, it is a way to gain a bit of control against a nasty person that can’t be confronted directly –- so although that abused airline employee didn’t feel it was wise to fight back directly, her act of revenge helped her gain a bit of control. And it was a way that she could communicate to Jason Zweig that, although she looked like a doormat, she had both the power to keep her emotions in check and the power to exact revenge against that demeaning passenger.

Second, think of Sue’s comment “the delicious thought that you could punish the assholes was an important psychological safety valve.” That “delicious thought” meant that – although she usually choose not to exercise it – that she had the perception of control over assholes, rather than feeling of helplessness.  As the classic and fantastic research by Martin Seligman shows, the perception that one has control over negative events in our lives is essential for sustaining human well-being, and the feeling of helplessness is devastating to human well-being.  Although abused bus drivers -- or airline employees or any other victim -- may only occasionally exact revenge from the constant parade of jerks that they face, the feeling that they have the power to do it – the almighty perception of control -- is essential for sustaining their mental health.

Again, revenge is a dangerous tactic that can backfire easily. I also want to emphasize that if you are working in a place where you constantly feel abused, the best thing to do for your mental and physical health is to get out as quickly as you can, rather than to devote your time and emotional energy to coping with one asshole after another.  And, in the case of airlines, not all employees are stuck as the powerless victims of asshole customers.  As Ann Rhoades reports about JetBlue – she is founding head of HR and now serves on their board of directors – they maintain an “uninvited to fly list” and something that they call the “yellow” list, which is a less formal list of nasty passengers that may need to be moved to the “uninvited” list if their behavior persists or degenerates further. In such a system, employees can complain about nasty customers and, in cases where passengers have proven to be persistent and flaming assholes, get them banned.

Comments

[Jimmy boy]

My boss is 5'5 and has a Napolean complex. Worse yet he thinks hes a super Cop and treats members of the public like doormats. I couldn't imagine doing something to get back at him, but knowing how he is, it's just a matter of time till he really screws up and everyone knows how big of an ass he is. It's hard to wait fo the day,but I'm sure it will happen.

[Bob Sutton]

Andrew,

That is fantastic story, and a sign that sometimes letting people know that they are aresholes or assholes, and in a comic way that doesn't increase tension, can be very effective. Great line!

Bob

[andrew]

My sister in law works for a service company that does baggage check-in, etc., for a major airline. For a while she handled lost luggage enquiries. One day she had a real arsehole, abusing her, shouting, threatening. She took a deep breath and said, "Right now there are only 2 people in the world who care about your luggage. And one of them is rapidly losing interest." He calmed down instantly.

[Alexander Kjerulf]

Yet another great piece Bob, but I do want to add one possible drawback about revenge: Wanting to harm others, harms yourself.

Naive is this may sound, it's not healthy to wish harm upon others, no matter how annoying their behavior, even if we never act on that behavior.

It's normal, understandable and human to dream about revenge - but it's much wiser and healthier to get to the point where an asshole's behavior doesn't trouble you much.

That doesn't mean you should take whatever they dish out - quite the contrary. If you're not consumed by thoughts of revenge, your more likely to act wisely and constructively.

AND your peace of mind will be greater.

[Sarah]

I'm a reporter for a women's magazine, doing a piece about revenge as exacted through the internet...got any stories there? Looking for sources who have either used the internet as a platform for revenge, or have been a victim to this kind of defamation. Or maybe one of your readers does?

sadiemeade@yahoo.com

[Jan Barkhed]

If you hear people making nasty comments to or about other people, you can always ask them very politely what company they represent, and then say: “Oh, I just wanted to know…”

[Kathleen DeFilippo]

I've been the beneficiary of what I would call indirect revenge. About six years ago, I took a business trip to San Francisco, which I inadvertently timed to coincide with the Gay Pride March. When I arrived at the rental car counter, I found that there were no cars available; there were, however, dozens of irate - and vocally so - tourists.

I told the rental agent that I wasn't in a big hurry, as my meeting wasn't until the following morning, and said that I'd take whatever became available whenever it became available.

A mere twenty minutes later, I drove away in a candy-apple red Sebring convertible, while those screaming tourists remained where they were when I arrived.

Niceness really does pay. :-)