Revenge versus Indifference: The Virtues of Letting it Go

There is a lot anger these days toward all sorts of villains associated with the meltdown.  And I certainly got plenty mad at the AIG executives and a lot of those financial services CEOs.  But I have tried to remind myself that getting angry and obsessed with avenging others isn't very healthy. 

Yes, there are times when justice demands it and when fighting back creates feelings of control.  Indeed, when it comes to fighting back against assholes, my favorites stories include Jason Zweig's tale of the abused airline employee who sent the culprit's bags to Nairobi (even though he was going to LA),  Sue Sherman's story (see the post about Jason's story)about how she taught new bus drivers in Ann Arbor to save-up an "accident" for revenge against an asshole driver during Christmas time, and my favorite about the radio producer who got back at her food-stealing boss by putting some Ex-Lax laced candies on her desk.

But it is also important to remember the downsides of revenge include -- as you can see in Getting Even,  a classic and well-documented effect is that it can fuel a vicious circle of revenge where each party feels as if the last act of revenge needs to be avenged, and each side travels through life being harmed and then harmed -- without the score ever being settled.

The other and related aspect of revenge is that there are times when people who are damaged devote so much emotional energy and mind share to thoughts of getting even and generalized anger toward their abuser that consumes them, and -- whether they are able to fight back or not -- that inability to get it out of their mind damages their mental and physical health and their other relationships.   I emphasized in The No Asshole Rule that, especially when you are trapped in situation --  bad job with an asshole boss -- that you can't escape from, learning the fine are of emotional detachment, of simply going through the motions to keep your income coming in, but not letting it touch your soul, is sometimes the best solution.  Alas, with unemployment rates what they are, I am afraid that more and more people throughout the world are trapped in that situation than ever before -- so although not everyone agrees me -- I would argue that learning not to give a shit may be a more important survival skills than ever.  I blogged about Why Indifference is as Important as Passion awhile back, and as you can see, got some strong reactions, both pro and con. Tom Peters especially objected -- although I suspect that he isn't trapped in a job with an asshole boss while struggling to pay mortgage and keep food on the table, like all to many Americans are these days. He brags about leaving McKinsey, but I would point out that writing the best selling business book of all time gave him an escape route that most people don't have!  I generally agree with Tom on most things, but not this time. I think his argument holds best for elites during good times, and not so well for the most people the rest of the time.

Indeed, to that point, an interesting study by some Spanish researchers was just published (see it summarized at BPS Digest) that followed 500 employees who suffered job stress, and compared those who responded with thoughts of revenge and anger to those who responded with emotional detachment.  The findings suggest that those who responded with detachment were less likely to be bullied and (albeit a weaker finding) were less likely to suffer strains such as unhappiness, depression, and loss of sleep.  The authors also cite related research in the article that shows having the ability to "switch-off" thoughts about the stress of work during off-work hours protects people from the damage caused by a stressful job.

As I have written before, I am not saying that people ought to be doormats.  In fact, as I read through the research on bullying, revenge, asshole bosses, and detachment, my sense is that fighting back and winning against a bully -- but finding a way to do it without worrying about it constantly and without creating a cycle of revenge might be the best solution possible.  Indeed, the airline employee that Jason Zweig met seemed to have it down. She seem unfazed by the assholes tirade, and just smiled through it all, and sent his luggage 6000 miles or so from his destination.   Alas, however, such perfect acts of revenge are often impossible.  The old saying "don't get mad, get even" is a useful half-truth -- but beware of being locked in a battle with someone who applies the same strategy. 

And, in any case, do everything you can to avoid letting it touch your soul.

P.S. The study is: B MORENOJIMENEZ, A RODRIGUEZMUNOZ, J PASTOR, A SANZVERGEL, E GARROSA (2009). The moderating effects of psychological detachment and thoughts of revenge in workplace bullying. Personality and Individual Differences, 46 (3), 359-364

Comments

[Chris Young]

Great topic and great insights as always Bob! I've shared your post with my readers in my weekly Rainmaker 'Fab Five' blog pics of the week (found here: http://www.maximizepossibility.com/employee_retention/2009/03/the-rainmaker-fab-five-blog-picks-of-the-week-4.html)

Be well Bob!

-Chris Young

[Hayli @ Rise Smart]

Terrific discussion, and very pertinent to a situation my family is enduring right now re: my husband's job. Thanks so much!
Also, I personally have experienced the power of forgiveness in my own life, and it is truly freeing. But my strategy for coping with difficult people has always been avoidance because I'm non-confrontational, so thanks for the detachment strategy as an alternative coping method for times when you can't escape.

[Murthy]

Hi Professor Sutton, a timely post indeed. There is clearly a fine line here between the science behind the question and perhaps the spiritual or faith-based component behind the question.

First, when the word "indifference" is used, I assume it is intended to mean a civil disobedience toward provocation. It might not be the case that the individual "doesn't care," but that they simply do not react.

To act or not to act, that is the question.

From a faith-based perspective, clearly religions differ on this issue widely. Some religions promote the notion of "turning the other cheek" or Ahimsa - that is that no act of ill on you justifies you acting with illness on another. Other religions promote the notion of struggle against injustice and jihad - that it is more noble to fight than to let injustice prevail.

From a scientific perspective, I think there is evidence behind both philosophies. Escalation and deterrence psychology have been studied quite widely, particularly during the Cold War, and I think most theories conclude that there is no strategy that converges. On the other hand, in game theory, the optimal strategy when facing a multi-period cooperate/defect game is to cooperate in period N+1 when the other player cooperates in N, and to defect in N+1 when the other play defects in N - otherwise known as tit-for-tat.

Ultimately, I think both religion and science have beaten this issue up and perhaps there isn't one universal answer that is appropriate in all contexts with all people. I know I've met 2 different kinds of bullies in my life: 1) one kind simply preyed on pushovers, those were the kind where revenge was effective in halting the bullying; 2) another kind of bully really just had no self-awareness (racists are a common example) and needed education, reflection, and patience more than a slap in the face (a slap, definitely leading to escalation).

Perhaps then the interesting question really is not so much whether to act or not to act, but rather how can we look at an asshole, and determine if they are Type 1 predator or a Type 2 ignorant? If you can type-cast the asshole, the appropriate reaction might become more clear.

[Rod Johnson]

A couple quick points. First, I view anger as more positive than fear. I believe that over the past six months, many have been living in fear and now they're coming out of the closet so to speak and they're angry. So I view this as a positive transition, and one that will hopefully transition again, in the recovery process to happiness.
The second point. Detachment can be an important skill to learn and practice in avoiding stress. However, even if this is taken to an extreme, it too has toxic side effects.
These are my two cents worth.

[Ergoboy]

Bob,
Your post is very timely. I am just getting past this sort of problem with my last job. At my last job, I had a manager which was an abusive asshole. I felt like the guy hunted me, looking for ways to get rid of me just because I wouldn't kiss his ass. I had to go to therapy weekly just to cope with this guy. He completely demoralized me, and turned me into an unsure, insecure, unproductive employee. I left at the first opportunity. After leaving that job, I had plenty of thoughts of running the guy down on his motorcycle, kicking his ass, or simply telling his family that I felt sorry for them for living with this narcissist. These thoughts haunted me constantly. No matter how hard I tried, I had so much anger that I couldn't get it out of my head. Even getting a job at company known for treating people exceptionally well and not tolerating assholes wouldn't clear these thoughts.

I wanted justice. I wanted to deliver it, and feel vindicated for what this guy did to me. Over time I had to learn to let it go. I had to learn that my anger and quest for justice was not hurting the other guy, but only hurting me. I actually had my justice, but didn’t recognize it because I didn’t deliver it. I had to learn that justice can come from elsewhere. The asshole boss that hunted me was laid off earlier this year. It would have felt better if he had been fired, but knowledge of his layoff was the best I was going to get. I finally consoled myself by realizing that I tried to help that asshole out by teaching him how to get along in the environment we were in, but he didn’t listen, and hunted me instead. He is now out of a job, and I have a better one. I have to think of that when I think of justice.

Growing up I heard all about karma, and when I was younger, I thought it was BS. It is not. We must all remember that the karma wheel may turn slowly, but it is always turning. I have witnessed it on multiple occasions now.

Thanks for writing the No Asshole Rule. It helped me cope with a really terrible work situation.

[Kathy H]

As a Christian, the first word that comes to my mind is "forgiveness." Like you said, you don't want to be a doormat for future abuse, but oftentimes healing can only occur if you're willing to forgive and perhaps channel the anger into praying for the opposition. If you let another person's actions get to your soul, you let them win.