Don't Let Them Touch Your Soul

In The No Asshole Rule, and in my asshole management tips, I talk about all sorts of different ways to engage with and undermine assholes, everything from direct confrontation to building coalition against them, to embarrassing them.  But I also point out that learning the art of indifference and emotional detachment, to not let them tough your soul, is at times the best thing you can do to protect yourself.  I mostly have recommended this strategy for people trapped with assholes who, at least for now, they can't escape.  But I was fascinated by a story in today's Wall Street Journal called "Are Misbehavin" about all the awful rude things that theater goers do these days -- not because they do so many rude things, but because of the way that one performer dealt with a remarkably rude audience member:

During a Saturday matinee of the Holocaust drama "Irena's Vow," a man walked in late and called up to actress Tovah Feldshuh to halt her monologue until he got settled. "He shouted, 'Can you please wait a second?' and then continued on toward his seat," recalls Nick Ahlers, a science teacher from Newark, N.J., who was in the audience. He says the actress complied.

Ms. Feldshuh says she typically pauses when she's interrupted. She doesn't recall the incident, which she says may be evidence of the Zen attitude she's cultivated onstage. "I have no negative energy about it to even remember," she says.

I am in awe of Ms. Feldhush's ability to not let such awful behavior touch her soul, to protect her mental health and ability to perform without getting rattled.  Her comment about not having the negative energy to even remember it is just lovely, and to me, a sign of great focus and mental health -- indeed, as I've discussed here before, people who ruminate over slights and remain bitter (compared to those who forgive others) generally suffer better mental health. 

Yet, part of me wonders if a better strategy is still to fight back, to not let those assholes get away with their dirty work, as in this example from the story:

Earlier this year, Patti LuPone lit up gossip blogs when she broke character in "Gypsy" to scream at an audience member taking pictures. Ms. LuPone says her frustration boiled over. "I had just had 10 months of pointing out to ushers texting, pointing out to ushers videoing, pointing out to ushers somebody on a phone," she says. "I just freaked."

I wonder what thoughts people have about when it is best to "go Zen" versus fighting back, and if there is a constructive middle ground (perhaps going Zen during the rudeness, but then having a system where the asshole is not allowed to buy a ticket again, much like the "blacklist" that some major airlines use to ban asshole passengers). 

P.S. Also check out this story on LA Theatre Etiquette -- good fun.

Comments

[Murthy]

Hi Professor Sutton,

A classic question indeed - although, I thought you brought this topic up once before a couple of months ago. Its essentially the classic question that religions have sought to go after - what is the moral response to injustice? There are 2 schools:

1) Ahimsa/turning the other cheek
2) Revenge/jihad/tit-for-tat

The truth is that I think the optimal strategy really depends on the nature of the asshole. There are indeed 2 different kinds of assholes:

1) The temporarily agitated/weakened/ignorant/self-conscious individual who's ill ways can be reformed <- strategy 1 is optimal, because strategy 2 will simply continue to provoke the individual. Great examples are civil rights movements.

2) The chemically/emotionally/physically unbalanced, unevolved, ill person whose only hope of reform is through punishment. Great examples are animals.

I think deciphering whether you have a Type 1 or Type 2 asshole, and then reacting accordingly, is a key part of human judgement.

[Ed Markey]

Steve Yastrow followed suit today (June 11) with this post. Timely!

http://yastrow.com/2009/pain-is-inevitable-suffering-is-optional/

[s.]

As an employee who is currently in a situation trapped working for an asshole -- a paranoid asshole, at that -- I've been actively trying to cultivate my indifference. It's really, /really/ difficult, though! And there don't seem to be resources for learning that skill... at least, not like there are for learning how to be perky or empassioned or other positive virtues. I'm drawing a blank, really. Does anyone have anything they can recommend as good for learning to not care so much anymore? It would make working for a hostile person so much better if I could learn to give up.

[dblwyo]

If one could aspire to being a Bodhisattva warrior in the real world one wouldn't let anger, often a natural and reasonable reaction to bad behavior, fester. BUT one would take action to correct that bad behavior in the interests of the greater good. Again without getting emotionally hooked and committed. For your examples Ms. Lupone's explosion was the result of accumulated festering while Ms. Feldschuh's balanced response moved beyond that but doesn't address the greater problem. Would it be possible to combine the two ? Alas most of us are doing well to simply get to the point where it doesn't eat away at us. Look at the Dalai Lama's life - he's probably done as much as anybody to create interest in the new cognitive neurosciences thru a patient attempt to explore and reconcile science and religion, to introduce Buddhism to the West and yet, after 50 years of sustained, patient effort is likely to to his grave without persuading the Chinese gov't to take a reasonable stance toward Tibetan autonomy; the great goal of his secular life.